.ladyboy sadness.

I crawled onto the multi-colored bus blasting Thai karaoke, filled to the brim with Thai children. They poured into the aisles as the overhead lights went out and were replaced by strobe lights and disco balls. Eight hours of Thai karaoke was going to make for quite an interesting overnight ride to camp.

Morning came and we were all exhausted from 8 hours of travel. We dragged ourselves off the bus at 5:45 am and collapsed on the nearby benches for further instructions. As I sat on the bench, one little girl caught my eye. Something in my spirit flared up and refused to be silenced. I looked away, but soon found myself staring at her again. What was wrong with me? I grabbed my purse and ran to the bathroom, praying that my burden for this child was nothing more than exhaustion.

I heard someone walking behind me and I turned to find her staring at me from the other end of the bathroom hall: 10 bathroom doors, birds chirping, and the two of us staring. Awkward. Finally, she moved. She covered her mouth, in an unnatural but dainty fashion, giggled, and muttered "oh so beautiful girl..." as she walked past me into the restroom. It was at that moment that I was struck with the reason for my heightened sensitivity. This little girl, with barrettes, lip-gloss, and a cute pinstripe dress, had an abnormally low voice, and was in fact, a little boy in women's clothing.

I just stared, uncomfortably, a lump forming in my throat from tears. I didn't know what to do. Here I was at a Christian Bible Camp, and one of our girl campers wasn't actually a girl. My heart ached...to be that confused about who you are...

He wore women's clothing, slept in the girls' dorm, and used the women's restroom. When he was called to the front during a youth event, the announcer asked him what his ideal "boyfriend" would be like. He answered confidently that he wanted a handsome man with big eyes, and giggled into the microphone as the audience laughed with him. My stomach flipped as I saw how embraced and entertained this chosen lifestyle was in Thai culture. This little boy was being robbed of discovering who he really was in Christ. "Oh, but Kristen," I was told," he's not a boy, he's a ladyboy." Like that was supposed to make it all right?!?!

LADYBOY: a term I've learned in the last month that unfortunately is a regular part of my vocabulary these days. A ladyboy is the third gender here in Thailand. You're a male, female, or a ladyboy. ((Hmm, not so sure I recall reading THAT in Scripture...))

My frustration and response: God is Sovereign and makes no mistakes. The justification that "I was supposed to be born a woman," just doesn't cut it. No, you weren't because God is perfect and made you intentionally. He made you fearfully and wonderfully. He made you in His image. Don't strive to be someone else when you've been blessed with your own identity.

After all, if we were created in His image, how could we be anything less than beautiful?

My heart hurts that these boys are being encouraged to live as women. They've been made a spectacle that aims to be what their culture tells them that they are, instead of sticking to what they were called to be. I'm not mad at these men. I'm infuriated that the enemy tries to tell them that they're anything less than God's children. I see the effort that these "ladyboys" exude and the exhaustion that follows soon after. They're trying so hard to portray one image, when in reality they're quite another, and at this point many of them are so confused they probably couldn't even tell you who they are.

Watching these "ladyboys" this month has rattled my cage of insecurity and revealed to me our many similarities. Every moment my confidence falters and I'm striving to please the world around me, it is a slap in the face to my Savior and an indirect claim that His work in me just wasn't up to par. "Well, if only you'd made me a little taller Lord..."

If only I'd embrace the fact that any insecurity can melt beneath the satisfaction of knowing who I am in Christ, and that
HE IS MY IDENTITY.

I have struggled with insecurity my entire life. I've never felt pretty enough or TALL enough or thin enough or skilled enough...
I've spent embarrassing hours mulling over my "poor self" and wishing I was more.
I've behaved like a product of my culture, much like the ladyboys of Thailand.

But I say it's time for a change...God makes no mistakes and we are no exception to that truth. So, I'm choosing to walk in this truth like never before. I'm choosing to focus on the beauty in His creation, and not on the ways that my culture tells me I fall short.

How I wish I could pour that truth in the ladyboys of Thailand...How I wish they could open their eyes to the realness of a God in heaven who has more for them then constantly striving to please and shock the world around them...
If only I could love them into being who they truly are and teach them to find their identity in Christ.