.jungle bunny visits home.

After 18 months of absence, this "jungle bunny" returns to the land of tree frogs, fish, and Peruvians. Home has changed though. The ministry has shifted, boys have left, and the ones who remain have grown up. I'm anticipating the change but unaware of how it will affect me. Oh Lord, calm this anxiety cause I don't know whether to scream, laugh, cry, or pull a 180 back to Lima. I'm seriously on the verge of losing my mind.

The jungle humidity offers no apologies, the vultures hover, and the heat wraps around me like a warm blanket. I step off the air-conditioned plane and into my first dose of familiarity all year. Am I excited? That would be an understatement. Am I horrified? Absolutely.

The familiar charges me forward. I’ve been anxious all year to reach that rickety staircase where 40 children await our arrival, but I'm nearly paralyzed by fear. I'm scared they've forgotten, hopeful that they haven't, and anxious for the result either way.

Despite my anxiety, it's time for hammocks, soccer, and cement. I say, "Bring it on."

My reunion wasn't one of screams and leaping children. My children have grown. It wasn't full of tears. Except for my tears of relief in private. It was calm. And had I not been paying attention, I would have missed the mumbled promises throughout the week that I was missed.

I had water fights with Luis Enrique, jumped on the trampoline with Hox, and fished with my beloved twins. It was amazing. Construction was the same. The sun still scorched me and my heart was overwhelmed each time I held one of those children. I still love them as much as I did a year ago, and much to my relief, they still love me too.

So, at this point, I know a lot of you are probably shaking your heads saying, “Kristen, it isn’t about you. It doesn’t matter if they missed you.” My response? Yeah, I know, but I love those children fiercely and can’t help but wonder if they noticed my absence while I prayed for them everyday. I know it's not about being remembered. But to return to a land that looks so much like the others where I’ve been this year, but see recognition and comfort in the smiles of the children, reminds me that such consistency can exist for those I invested in for such a short time this year. To know that the relationships that I have in Peru can exist for the children I played with in Botswana too. Even if it isn't me....God will provide.

My return from the race has been far more difficult than I ever anticipated. I've felt more distant from the Lord and questioned more about my life in the last 5 weeks than i did the entire year overseas. This made me a little nervous heading down to Iquitos. But all of the doubt, frustration, anxiety and loneliness that I've felt since I got home vanished as I played with my friends in Peru. The love of Christ wells up within me each time I'm down there and it allows me to recall His greatness. I feel Him every time that I invest in those children. It's beautiful and overwhelming.

Returning from Peru was almost impossible. I thought my two best friends would have to carry me back onto the boat. The reunion I had waited for was too quick to end with no promise of a next time. But while the first few days were terrible, I’ve found myself on a steady foundation again. If anything, this year showed me that I can be joyful anywhere as my Heavenly Father goes before, with, and after me. I’m not keen on thinking that I might not be called to the jungle full time, but I know without a doubt that I would make it. I’ll truly go wherever He calls, trusting that His ways are better than my own.